Raw blog on how I felt on the morning of Rainbow's birthday

20. Jan, 2018

Rainbows 4th birthday
The current time is 01.40am on Saturday 6th January 2018.
Today is my rainbows 4th birthday.
At this current time I can’t sleep, it’s her birthday, my baby girl is 4 Year’s old today. But I can’t do what I had done for the past 3 birthdays, I can’t go and give her a birthday kiss, while she’s fast asleep. I can’t wish her a happy birthday and just stay an extra few minutes to watch her sleep and wonder how my baby got so big.
Instead she’s fast asleep under a different roof at her dads.

I know some people may think, I shouldn’t be so ungrateful but it’s just so hard.

Still getting to grips with not been able to see her everyday.
It’s been nearly a year since me and her dad separated. Time plays tricks on me and sometimes I think it’s ok I’m handling this. Then it hits you all over again. The emotional pain of not just been able to go and kiss her while she sleeps on her birthday. Just the little things that send you back to not been able to sleep because you just want to hold her, right now, not in another 8-10 hours but just right now.
It’s silly I know because at least I will get to see her gorgeous smiley face. She so happy when we see each other on Saturdays.

I’ll be able to hug her so tight, that she will look at me like “mummy that’s enough”. I’ll get to see her
excited face as she sees the presents, I have for her.
I’ll get to see her enjoying herself later, when she joins her friends and family for her birthday party.
But right now, this moment, while sitting on the bathroom floor.

All I want is to be able to kiss her while she sleeps and softly wish her a happy 4th birthday.